The page represents me and basically what ive become over my coming with years of joys, sadness, hardships, pain, fun, and life. I keep a lot of stuff to myself..I think too much most of the time, and most of this not so clear.Not so dogmatic but sometimes opinionated. .. usually the hardships in life and the crap i've been through and what people have put me through, and my, what i call, semi- dysfunctional family.

All exiles want to go home although many of them never returns, in their imaginations they make their journeys a thousand times taking the slowest boats because in their dream world time is not as urgent as actual time passing quicker than arrows,kneading on their flesh,crying on their bones The differences of this new world of mine made out what i experience and taught me who i am today. For me, "Filipino" becomes less an attachment to a geographical center but becomes attached to an idea or an emotion. And as Carlos Bulosan wrote, "Philippines is in the heart.".. Every migrant knows in his heart of hearts that it is impossible to return Even if he is physically able to return,he does not truly return because he himself has been deeply so changed by his emigration In the present, the country is into a long journey, one might call it a journey of thousand mistakes..) I choose to light a small candle rather than curse the darkness..and to strenghten this I'm keeping the words of our national scientist, D. Umali close to my mind.. “In our twilight years, there is a desperate hope, in many of us, that your vision will see beyond the debris we left to what can still be retrieved and rebuilt. Go and be the heroes we never quite managed to become -- and live.”

February 13, 2006

I love spending time with people who disagree with me. We learn and grow through interactions. Nothing can be more satisfying than a healthy debate. Debate.Not boxing. Words not punches.With dialectic types of reasoning(Oh i miss my philo. class) and not just the God-is-love-love-is-blind-therefore-God-is-blind type of reasoning. It gives us chance to check our coordinates. Where we stand. "For the hottest part of hell, belongs to those who never take a stand"- Ninoy Aquino. Testing our theories and beliefs like putting it on fire to test its strength and tenacity. Trying to be strong to yourself and at the same time trying to undersatnd the other side.F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function." Entertaining these thoughts is like trying to hop on a train while it's still moving. it's dangerous but there's the thrill. Sometimes there will be an overflow of words and emotions but this is what its all about. Fruit kept in the refrigerator too long goes rotten, so do emotions and people.it helps a lot to pose questions regarding controversial ideas or just plain things in life..Feminism, Deconstruction,between creation vs. evolution or just to argue whether black coffee is better than cappucino. Sometimes people will brand others as dogmatic, fundamentalist or a bigot, but isn't it a part of the entire notion of freedom? sometimes our beliefs act as a mirror, it allows us to examine our perspective but blocking our view of the reality. This should not interfere in our quest for what is right. Even myself I did a lot of experimentation in my life. Acted as an agnostic (my friends call it back sliding),questioning everything about fate (what about all the sufferings, do we have a saddist God?), learn to like Buddhism but find Hinduism quite dark, shouting communist slogans while marching on the street. This has made me confused for a while but made me more aware of the different "forces" in nature.it was like my college lecture on "the need to know and the fear of knowing". We need to know but we feared too much that it blinded us. Clouds of doubts.

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Save me.